The Confidential Parody Project

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Oct 07, 2016 2:32 pm

Welp. I'm alive. How are you all?

Chapter 5
A… Wizard’s Duel?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AFC Courtyard


“Wow!” Exclaimed Athena. “I can’t believe that you got to be the new seeker for Gryffindor, after Trouble challenged you in a very passive-aggressive way involving a remembrall somehow, Tornado!”

“I can.” Tornado blankly answered. “I was there, you know.”

Unfazed, Athena started to talk again. “And I also can’t believe-“

Merv interrupted him, however. “Why are you describing what just happened? It’s as if you’re covering for a writer who has writers block by simply describing things that he had no ideas on how to show!”

Everyone in the entire school had stopped dead in their tracks, frozen in place. But Merv, now lost in a train of thought, didn’t notice.

“In fact…” She continued. “That would explain loads of things… Like how the headmaster was taken seriously when he changed the house names, and how all of us hate Trouble without any reason to really do so… and how-“

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ACCESS-SCENE:MARS_COMMONROOM5
LOADING….

****************************************************************************

-believe he had the guts!” Athena rambled more. Tornado was beginning to lose patience

“Again. I was there. Right next to you.”

Merv blinked rapidly. “Wait, how did I get here?!”

Athena looked at her, confused. “We walked from the courtyard. On the way, Trouble challenged Tornado to a Wizard’s Duel, and he did so with such-”

Tornado wasn’t going to allow Athena to start all over again. “Don’t do it. I will hex you.”

Merv shook her head. “No, no no. I was there, and now I’m here! Without warning! How?!

Athena shook his head and laughed. “Merv, you must be really tired, why don’t you go upstairs? Take a nap, and never question reality again.

He said this with a ditzy, innocent smile. As if there was nothing strange about that sentence at all.

Merv weakly said “Okay.” And walked to the girls dormitories to quietly have an existential crisis.

Athena looked puzzled as he watched her go. “What’s up with her? Was it something I said?”

Tornado responded only with “Why should I care?”

“Well, I mean, the Moderator Hat did say you needed to be chivalrous every now or then.”

“Yeah. I’m choosing to be chivalrous ‘then’ rather than ‘now’”

An awkward silence followed, broken by Athena asking “So… can I be your second in the Wizard’s duel?”

“No.”

“B-but, why not?!”

“Because we’d be sneaking out after dark, and I guarantee we’d be caught if you were following me singing Justin Bieber songs the whole time.”

“But, chivalry! The Moderator Hat said chivalry!”

“…That has nothing to do with this. Do you know what that word means?”

“Yeah!” Athena shouted indignantly. “It’s like… giving candy to women, right?”

“You’re not coming with me.”

“What if I promise not to sing terrible pop songs?”

Tornado thought about it, and then nodded. “Okay. But no drinking songs either.”

Athena looked dismayed. “You’re no fun…”

_____________________________
Hershey’s Common Room

Trouble Malfoy was very, very worried.

All of the school seemed convinced that he had challenged Tornado to a wizard’s duel, when all he had said was that Tornado was an impressive wizard. They seemed to take it as him challenging Tornado and claiming he was better in a sarcastic comment.

It’s not like these things surprised him anymore. Ever since starting his first year, he had already been accused of being a You-Know-Who supporter, stealing approximately 76 galleons, attempting to poison a Nestle third year, and illegal possession of a flying carpet. This was really one of the less significant things he’d been accused of.

“Malfoy’s going to destroy Tornado.” He heard a student whisper today. “I hear he practices Unforgivable Curses on kittens in his spare time.”

He wondered how that particular rumor started. Is it because he said the he loved playing with kittens a couple weeks ago to Pavarti Patil? No wonder she looked horrified.

He knew that Tornado was going to sneak out in the middle of the night and go to the trophy room. He also knew he would wait there for hours until Trouble showed. But Trouble had no intention of fighting him. What to do?

Maybe… Maybe he could tell someone he could trust to meet Tornado instead, and tell him that Trouble meant no ill will. But who could he trust?

Perhaps Mr. Filch? Yeah! He’d always been nice to Trouble! That’s exactly what he’d do!

_____________________________
AFC Academy Halls, After Hours

As Tornado and Athena snuck through the halls, Athena was singing “Uptown Funk.” Quietly, but very distinctly.

After a while of this, Tornado sighed. “Athena, I thought you promised not to sing pop songs.”

“I promised not to sing terrible ones. I think this one is pretty good!”

Tornado surpressed the urge to facepalm the rest of the way to the trophy room.

Once they got there, they peered in, and noticed that instead of Malfoy in the middle of the room, there was Argus Filch, and his cat, Mrs. Norris.

Athena was furious. “I can’t believe it, Tornado! This was all a trap! Trouble just intended for us to get caught the whole time! Come on, we need to hurry up and get out of here before he notices us!”

Athena immediately started running, dragging Tornado with him, who could really care less about how quickly they got away.

Of course, since Athena wasn’t paying attention the entire way down to the Trophy Room, he winded them down every possible wrong hallway until they reached a rather ominous one on the third floor.

“Stop.” Said Tornado.

Athena halted in place, his feet skidding like brakes. “What’s up? We’re almost there.”

“We were almost there 10 minutes ago, you even passed right by the portrait to the common room and kept going.”

“I’m sorry! Th-they all look the same, OK?”

“Our portrait is of a giant red M’n’M. How does that look in any way similar to all the other portraits?”

“Um… A-are we going to debate this, or are we going to go back to our common room?”

“As much as I’d absolutely love to, going to the common room seems the far better option, especially since I’m pretty sure Professor FadingLight said that people could die in this corridor.”

“Actually, didn’t he say this hallway had rock candy in it or something? That doesn’t seem too bad.”

As soon as Athena finished saying that, however, he stopped walking due to the fact that he came face to face with a large, growling, three headed dog.

“…Or maybe he said your bones would be shattered like rock candy if you were to enter it. Yeah… that might be it. That man talks about candy too much, makes everything confusing. Do you think so too, Tornado?”

“I think FadingLight’s candy addiction is the least of our problems and that we have far more pressing concerns.”

The dog had started to drool on Athena’s shoulder. “Oh, right. That. We should probably leave, huh?”

“I mean, if you want to stay here and get eaten alive, be my guest.”

“Right, I’m… going to go now.” Athena ran down the halls, and immediately made a wrong turn.

Tornado, however, slowly and casually walked towards the common room. Athena got there 20 minutes later. He said he got lost on the eighth floor.

There was no eighth floor.
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Tue Oct 18, 2016 5:33 am

(Hey, I'm alive too. ;9)

LOL, I love how part of the scene was cut out. XD!! (And only Merv thought maybe something might be wrong.) Ah, computer issues. (Reminds me just a bit of the YouTube buffer...oh, the frustration.) Favorite part was Trouble's, though. XD!!! (Poor kid, he's just trying to do the right thing, guys.)

What next? :3
“After all, absolutely no one can help but suspect a criminal, liar, and manipulator of committing crimes, lying, and manipulating. And of course, no one is more aware of that simple fact than Artemis Fowl.”

Opal sets into motion her most diabolical scheme yet, to frame Artemis and turn his closest friends against him. Only this time she has a new calculating partner who knows Artemis better than he knows himself. [Post TAC]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8336552/1/Noble-Heart ...Shameless self-advertising, guys! C;

(And if you're really bored: http://axxonu.deviantart.com/gallery/28912232/Artemis-Fowl AF fanart. ;J)

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Mon Oct 24, 2016 9:24 pm

The troll scene should be next, actually. Brainstorming, will be out by wednesday at the latest I promise
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:16 pm

Great! I'll be looking for it then! :3
“After all, absolutely no one can help but suspect a criminal, liar, and manipulator of committing crimes, lying, and manipulating. And of course, no one is more aware of that simple fact than Artemis Fowl.”

Opal sets into motion her most diabolical scheme yet, to frame Artemis and turn his closest friends against him. Only this time she has a new calculating partner who knows Artemis better than he knows himself. [Post TAC]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8336552/1/Noble-Heart ...Shameless self-advertising, guys! C;

(And if you're really bored: http://axxonu.deviantart.com/gallery/28912232/Artemis-Fowl AF fanart. ;J)

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Troublelover16 » Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:13 pm

Oh my goodness, I finally got a chance to read this! It's amazing... and man, me as Malfoy... it's so great guys XD I JUST WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING OKAY?! :laughing:
Image

Troublelover's Song of the Moment: ~Sad Song-We The Kings~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZsXcc_tC-o&index=174

Spoiler:

You and I,
We're like fireworks
And symphonies exploding in the sky
With you, I'm alive
Like all the missing pieces of my heart,
They finally collide

So stop time right here in the moonlight
'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes

Without you, I feel broke
Like I'm half of a whole
Without you, I've got no hand to hold
Without you, I feel torn
Like a sail in a storm
Without you, I'm just a sad song

I'm just a sad song

2013 EA Winner of: The Friendly One, Best Taste in Avatars and Signatures,
Biggest AF Fanboy/Girl, Most Valued Non-Staff Contributor, Most Changed

2014/15 EA Winner of: Biggest Non-AF Fanboy/Girl

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:59 pm

Writing Quirrell lines is fun. Tried to get it as close to the later chapters of "My Immortal" as possible, so I misspelled as many words as possible, and let autocorrect correct them whenever it saw fit. Often to the wrong ones. Tried to create sentences reminiscent of these.

"I laffed statistically"
"I put in my Invisbility coke"
"Snap stated 2 scram"

It was a new experience, especially since, ocd as I am, I kept trying to spell the words correctly even though I was purposely trying to get them wrong.


Chapter 6
Wingding Levitra!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Defense Against the Dark Arts

“Too day, children, wee will bee lerning da Levitating Charm” said Professor Quirrell. Everyone in the class had learned by this point to take what he said and decipher it through context clues, as his grammar and word choice tended to get worse as classes continued, sometimes only vaguely resembling actual English, with mispronunciations and misused words aplenty. This sentence was fairly easy to decipher though, so a response was quick to follow.

“Sir,” Said Merv. “Firstly, shouldn’t we be learning this in Charms, with Professor Flitwick? It is a charm after all. Secondly, I believe it’s called the ‘Levitation Charm’”

“Wel.” Quirrell responded. “Frstly, Hedmastr Fadinlite told me too teech dis lesion. Sumthing abot me ‘hafing mor screentim and lines befor da big twist revel.’ Wutever dat means. He din’t really sound lick himself win he sed it.”

This statement took considerably longer to decipher. Once Merv did, she became deathly white and began to repeat to herself one line like a mantra. “Don’t question reality, don’t question reality…”

“Secndly… Fine! LEVITACHIN Charm! C? I sed it rite this time! Their!”

This time, Tornado spoke up. “It’s Levitation, Professor. You didn’t say it right. Not that that’s a big surprise to anyone anymore.”

“I don’t want too here a singl word out of u, Tornada! I now wut Im saying!”

“Who is Tornada?”

“U are! Don’t play dum wit me!”

“Pretty sure I know my own name, and that isn’t it. I mean, I may be wrong, but I don’t think so. I’ve had it for 11 years after all.”

“If u keep mesing with me, ill take 20 points frum mars, Tarnodo!”

Unfazed by this rather meaningless threat, Tornado responded with. “That’s not my name, either.”

“20 points frum mars, Tornoda!”

“I never thought it possible to mispronounce someone’s name three different ways in a single minute. Well done, Professor. You’ve done the impossible, and actually surprised me.”

“5 moor points frum mars, Tordano!”

“Still not my name. You were closer last time. Try again?”

“5 moor points, Tornodo!”

“So close. One more try and you’ll get it.”

“How mini points will I haff to take, Tarnada?!”

“I was wrong. Surely you’ll get it next time.”

“Stop it, Tornado!”

“Hey look, you did it. Now remember that, and pronounce it that way every time.”

“OK, Nordato.” Quirrell, visibly annoyed and realizing there was no way to win this exchange, went back to his lesson.

Athena, right next to Tornado, whispered in his ear. “Surely he did that one on purpose, right? There’s no way he could have gotten it that wrong.”

“He once called the Flippendo charm ‘Nintendo’. That should tell you what’s more likely.”

Quirrell had reached his desk at the front of the class by this point. “Now, unles sum one els would lick to coment da way I spek, I am going too continue now.”

This is when Trouble gave his best, dazzling smile and said “I can understand you just fine, sir!”

“Fangs! C? All dese preps r flamming me, but Truble understands just fine!”

The entire class groaned. No one really understood exactly what it was that Quirrell just said, but everyone understood that Trouble was now the teacher’s pet to the most infuriating and hated teacher in the academy, and they all hated him for it.

“The spell we wil bee using is called ‘Wingding Levitra’ and-”

This is about the point where Merv, who knew the actual name of the spell already, began repeatedly slamming her head on the desk very loudly. It was a regular occurrence for students in Quirrell’s class, so no one paid it any mind.

The class was agonizingly long for Merv. Quirrell attempted to have all of the students lift a feather using the Levitation charm, but of course, only Merv was able to succeed, because only Merv knew the name of the spell. Quirrell still chastised her for “Not prinoncing the spel cirectly” and Athena, of course, claimed that Merv was just a show-off and that he could have done it too, but didn’t because he didn’t want anyone else to feel bad. This was the final straw for Merv, who spent the rest of the class quietly trying not to explode and hex Quirrell, Athena, or both of them.

When class ended, Merv immediately went and locked herself in the bathroom to cool off. Just for a little while. Maybe six hours or so. That’s not too long, right?

_____________________________
Great Hall

5 hours later, at dinner, Tornado was listening to his nightly serenade by Athena, against his wishes. Tonight’s song was “Sexy and I Know It.”

Athena still wondered why nobody sat within an eight seat radius of the two of them.

Today, however, the song was mercifully interrupted by a screaming Professor Quirrell.

TROLL! TROLL IN THE DUNGIN!”

He then collapsed. Axxonu immediately ran next to him. “Quirrell? Quirrell! Come on, don’t pass out now, this is important! What kind of troll was it?”

“da worst kind of dem all… da internet troll…”

The entire staff turned deathly pale. FadingLight, noticing the staring students, turned to them.

“Hey! Remember that time I said that if you visited the forbidden area in the third floor, you would be smashed like rock candy? Well… Do not enter the dungeon. You’ll be smashed like rock candy. That’ll be all. Continue eating your dinner now, and try not to worry your heads about the fact that there is a highly dangerous magical creature roaming around the academy at this point in time that could potentially kill any student that isn’t in the Great Hall right now, ok?”

Athena gasped. “Merv is still in the bathroom!”

“Indeed.” Tornado was not looking at him, and had already resumed eating.

“Don’t you care?”

“It seems to be her problem, and not mine.”

“But… you heard FadingLight! Any student not in the Great Hall right now could die!”

“He also told us not to worry about it. I’m going to be a good student and obey my headmaster.”

“Tornado, the Moderator Hat told you to be chivalrous!”

“We’ve been over this. The hat agreed to my promise to be chivalrous every now and then. I’ve already been chivalrous this year when I accepted that Wizard’s duel and I let you be my second when you asked.”

“But that duel didn’t even happen!”

“I still did all that.”

“And that’s the only time you’ll be chivalrous all year? You’ve got to do more than that!”

“Says who? The hat didn’t give a minimum, and I sure didn’t.”

“I said so!”

“But you weren’t part of the promise I made with the hat, so you have no say.”

“Fine! I- I’ll just go get her myself! I’m great at magic! I can h-handle a troll!”

“If you survive, tell me how it went.”

Athena shakily got out of the table. “I’m going now! This is your last chance to come with me!”

“Why? You just said you can handle it.”

Reluctantly, slowly, and gazing back every 3 or 4 steps, Athena walked out of the great hall.

Tornado, after two minutes or so, sighed as he got up and went after him. “He’s going to get himself killed. I hope this makes you happy, hat.”
_____________________________
First Floor Hallway

When Tornado got to the corridor that Merv and Athena were in, he was immediately greeted by Athena’s pained wail.

He sighed again. “Yup. That seems about right.”

When he entered the bathroom, he was greeted by the sight of a humanlike creature with a contorted face and a wide grin talking to Athena, who was whining and covering his ears. Merv was in the corner, facepalming. She looked up as he approached her.

“Hey, Tornado, are you his backup? I was going to help him, but he insisted that he could take the troll on all by himself, and marched straight up to it. It then, as expected, began to troll him.”

Tornado listened in on what the troll was saying.

“Do you actually think that the music you like is good? LOOOOOOL! Anyone who likes those terrible pop songs that you do is just objectively wrong and that is a fact! And don’t get me started on those awful books you read. What are they called? Artemis Fowl? Muggle trash, all of them.”

The tension in the room increased tenfold. Merv, Tornado and Athena all stared at the creature intensely.

“What, did I hit a nerve? I’m just saying the truth. You ever wonder why that movie hasn’t been finished yet? It’s because nobody likes the series enough to-“

When McGonagall went by the first floor hallway later that afternoon, she found the troll unconscious, covered in hundreds of bruises, scratches, and cuts. For the life of her, she could not explain what had happened to the creature.

Tornado, Athena and Merv were now the most inseparable of friends.
Last edited by Fatebringer the 2nd on Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:53 am

YES! DEATH TO INTERNET TROLLS! (Okay, maybe the severe beating was good enough.) Yeah, not surprised that that Artemis Fowl movie comment touched a nerve, that was definitely a low blow.

Oh gosh, the My Immortal Quirrel... (That's painful, you can't blame Merv for needing some winding down time after that.) [I can imagine how painful that was to write, I'm the same way. xD! I might make typos all the time, but for some reason writing something wrong on purpose doesn't come so easily.]


Not a lot of people around the forum these days...but I'll definitely be looking for the next installment. ;9
“After all, absolutely no one can help but suspect a criminal, liar, and manipulator of committing crimes, lying, and manipulating. And of course, no one is more aware of that simple fact than Artemis Fowl.”

Opal sets into motion her most diabolical scheme yet, to frame Artemis and turn his closest friends against him. Only this time she has a new calculating partner who knows Artemis better than he knows himself. [Post TAC]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8336552/1/Noble-Heart ...Shameless self-advertising, guys! C;

(And if you're really bored: http://axxonu.deviantart.com/gallery/28912232/Artemis-Fowl AF fanart. ;J)


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