Writing Quirrell lines is fun. Tried to get it as close to the later chapters of "My Immortal" as possible, so I misspelled as many words as possible, and let autocorrect correct them whenever it saw fit. Often to the wrong ones. Tried to create sentences reminiscent of these.
"I laffed statistically"
"I put in my Invisbility coke"
"Snap stated 2 scram"
It was a new experience, especially since, ocd as I am, I kept trying to spell the words correctly even though I was purposely trying to get them wrong.
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Defense Against the Dark Arts
“Too day, children, wee will bee lerning da Levitating Charm” said Professor Quirrell. Everyone in the class had learned by this point to take what he said and decipher it through context clues, as his grammar and word choice tended to get worse as classes continued, sometimes only vaguely resembling actual English, with mispronunciations and misused words aplenty. This sentence was fairly easy to decipher though, so a response was quick to follow.
“Sir,” Said Merv. “Firstly, shouldn’t we be learning this in Charms, with Professor Flitwick? It is a charm after all. Secondly, I believe it’s called the ‘Levitation Charm’”
“Wel.” Quirrell responded. “Frstly, Hedmastr Fadinlite told me too teech dis lesion. Sumthing abot me ‘hafing mor screentim and lines befor da big twist revel.’ Wutever dat means. He din’t really sound lick himself win he sed it.”
This statement took considerably longer to decipher. Once Merv did, she became deathly white and began to repeat to herself one line like a mantra. “Don’t question reality, don’t question reality…”
“Secndly… Fine! LEVITACHIN Charm! C? I sed it rite this time! Their!”
This time, Tornado spoke up. “It’s Levitation, Professor. You didn’t say it right. Not that that’s a big surprise to anyone anymore.”
“I don’t want too here a singl word out of u, Tornada! I now wut Im saying!”
“Who is Tornada?”
“U are! Don’t play dum wit me!”
“Pretty sure I know my own name, and that isn’t it. I mean, I may be wrong, but I don’t think so. I’ve had it for 11 years after all.”
“If u keep mesing with me, ill take 20 points frum mars, Tarnodo!”
Unfazed by this rather meaningless threat, Tornado responded with. “That’s not my name, either.”
“20 points frum mars, Tornoda!”
“I never thought it possible to mispronounce someone’s name three different ways in a single minute. Well done, Professor. You’ve done the impossible, and actually surprised me.”
“5 moor points frum mars, Tordano!”
“Still not my name. You were closer last time. Try again?”
“5 moor points, Tornodo!”
“So close. One more try and you’ll get it.”
“How mini points will I haff to take, Tarnada?!”
“I was wrong. Surely you’ll get it next time.”
“Stop it, Tornado!”
“Hey look, you did it. Now remember that, and pronounce it that way every time.”
“OK, Nordato.” Quirrell, visibly annoyed and realizing there was no way to win this exchange, went back to his lesson.
Athena, right next to Tornado, whispered in his ear. “Surely he did that one on purpose, right? There’s no way he could have gotten it that wrong.”
“He once called the Flippendo charm ‘Nintendo’. That should tell you what’s more likely.”
Quirrell had reached his desk at the front of the class by this point. “Now, unles sum one els would lick to coment da way I spek, I am going too continue now.”
This is when Trouble gave his best, dazzling smile and said “I can understand you just fine, sir!”
“Fangs! C? All dese preps r flamming me, but Truble understands just fine!”
The entire class groaned. No one really understood exactly what it was that Quirrell just said, but everyone understood that Trouble was now the teacher’s pet to the most infuriating and hated teacher in the academy, and they all hated him for it.
“The spell we wil bee using is called ‘Wingding Levitra’ and-”
This is about the point where Merv, who knew the actual name of the spell already, began repeatedly slamming her head on the desk very loudly. It was a regular occurrence for students in Quirrell’s class, so no one paid it any mind.
The class was agonizingly long for Merv. Quirrell attempted to have all of the students lift a feather using the Levitation charm, but of course, only Merv was able to succeed, because only Merv knew the name of the spell. Quirrell still chastised her for “Not prinoncing the spel cirectly” and Athena, of course, claimed that Merv was just a show-off and that he could have done it too, but didn’t because he didn’t want anyone else to feel bad. This was the final straw for Merv, who spent the rest of the class quietly trying not to explode and hex Quirrell, Athena, or both of them.
When class ended, Merv immediately went and locked herself in the bathroom to cool off. Just for a little while. Maybe six hours or so. That’s not too long, right?
5 hours later, at dinner, Tornado was listening to his nightly serenade by Athena, against his wishes. Tonight’s song was “Sexy and I Know It.”
Athena still wondered why nobody sat within an eight seat radius of the two of them.
Today, however, the song was mercifully interrupted by a screaming Professor Quirrell.
“TROLL! TROLL IN THE DUNGIN!””
He then collapsed. Axxonu immediately ran next to him. “Quirrell? Quirrell! Come on, don’t pass out now, this is important! What kind of troll was it?”
“da worst kind of dem all… da internet troll…”
The entire staff turned deathly pale. FadingLight, noticing the staring students, turned to them.
“Hey! Remember that time I said that if you visited the forbidden area in the third floor, you would be smashed like rock candy? Well… Do not enter the dungeon. You’ll be smashed like rock candy. That’ll be all. Continue eating your dinner now, and try not to worry your heads about the fact that there is a highly dangerous magical creature roaming around the academy at this point in time that could potentially kill any student that isn’t in the Great Hall right now, ok?”
Athena gasped. “Merv is still in the bathroom!”
“Indeed.” Tornado was not looking at him, and had already resumed eating.
“Don’t you care?”
“It seems to be her problem, and not mine.”
“But… you heard FadingLight! Any student not in the Great Hall right now could die!”
“He also told us not to worry about it. I’m going to be a good student and obey my headmaster.”
“Tornado, the Moderator Hat told you to be chivalrous!”
“We’ve been over this. The hat agreed to my promise to be chivalrous every now and then. I’ve already been chivalrous this year when I accepted that Wizard’s duel and I let you be my second when you asked.”
“But that duel didn’t even happen!”
“I still did all that.”
“And that’s the only time you’ll be chivalrous all year? You’ve got to do more than that!”
“Says who? The hat didn’t give a minimum, and I sure didn’t.”
“I said so!”
“But you weren’t part of the promise I made with the hat, so you have no say.”
“Fine! I- I’ll just go get her myself! I’m great at magic! I can h-handle a troll!”
“If you survive, tell me how it went.”
Athena shakily got out of the table. “I’m going now! This is your last chance to come with me!”
“Why? You just said you can handle it.”
Reluctantly, slowly, and gazing back every 3 or 4 steps, Athena walked out of the great hall.
Tornado, after two minutes or so, sighed as he got up and went after him. “He’s going to get himself killed. I hope this makes you happy, hat.”
First Floor Hallway
When Tornado got to the corridor that Hermione and Athena were in, he was immediately greeted by Athena’s pained wail.
He sighed again. “Yup. That seems about right.”
When he entered the bathroom, he was greeted by the sight of a humanlike creature with a contorted face and a wide grin talking to Athena, who was whining and covering his ears. Merv was in the corner, facepalming. She looked up as he approached her.
“Hey, Tornado, are you his backup? I was going to help him, but he insisted that he could take the troll on all by himself, and marched straight up to it. It then, as expected, began to troll him.”
Tornado listened in on what the troll was saying.
“Do you actually think that the music you like is good? LOOOOOOL! Anyone who likes those terrible pop songs that you do is just objectively wrong and that is a fact! And don’t get me started on those awful books you read. What are they called? Artemis Fowl? Muggle trash, all of them.”
The tension in the room increased tenfold. Merv, Tornado and Athena all stared at the creature intensely.
“What, did I hit a nerve? I’m just saying the truth. You ever wonder why that movie hasn’t been finished yet? It’s because nobody likes the series enough to-“
When McGonagall went by the first floor hallway later that afternoon, she found the troll unconscious, covered in hundreds of bruises, scratches, and cuts. For the life of her, she could not explain what had happened to the creature.
Tornado, Athena and Merv were now the most inseparable of friends.
Right now's avatar-Clownpiece
(Clownpiece will make America great again, by the way.)