A Child Most Fowl

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Fatebringer the 2nd
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Re: [Eventually Insert Name Here]

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Thu Apr 26, 2012 2:21 pm

portrayals. how you want to be shown as in the fanfiction, so I can show all of you in your best satirical light.

for example, the last time I was portrayed as butler, I had bloodlust and was way to overly eager about everything that involved fighting, or just inflicting pain in general. that is not how I am or how butler is, but it was fun to write!

And seeing by your comment on how you can 'kill anyone in a second', that may be you :). so how do you want to be portrayed?
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Re: [Eventually Insert Name Here]

Postby chukaliteluvver » Mon May 07, 2012 3:21 pm

HOWABOUT AS A SPOILT IDIOT WHO GIGGLES TOO MUCH AND DRIVES PEOPLE CRAIXY?

Soory for the late reply, but this took a whhile to find.
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Re: [Eventually Insert Name Here]

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri May 11, 2012 9:16 pm

:laughing: That'll be fun!

And your location, how do you hug Orion till he screams? I think he'd quite enjoy it. AND WHEN THEY SCREAM, WHY DO YOU STOP?!
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Re: [Eventually Insert Name Here]

Postby chukaliteluvver » Sat May 12, 2012 5:43 am

I'm assuming that Artemis will attempt to strangle me, and that would be so hilarious I would be unable to breathe. Let's admit it. Dreamy as he is, he isn't winning any awards for incapacitation...

YAY. ORI MAY LAIIIIK IT!

HE DOES!

My life is complete...
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Re: [Eventually Insert Name Here]

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Wed May 16, 2012 9:10 pm

you will be so insane... just, I'm going to have to get help from my insanity mentor to write this one. :laughing: you're pretty much a satirical fic's dream :loveeyes:

I STILL NEED MORE PEEPUL! Why does nobody look at this?!
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Re: A Child Most Fowl

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:26 am

Note I will repeat jokes, but hey, that's not so bad.

Book 1
A Child Most Fowl…

Chapter 1
Initiate the Plan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You see a lot of strange things as a fate bringer. None, however, would be as strange as World 921.

921 is much like one of the Artemis Fowl worlds, except the Shaper of Planets made a mistake while creating the life forms on it, giving the ones with important stories a certain amount of damage. Some are sensible, but most are simply strange and almost like cartoon characters. Trust me, I know several cartoon characters.

Now, billions of people are on this world and the Shaper of Planets managed to contain the damage to a handful of people.

Little did he know, these people would come together and create a wonderful story…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
A Pixie’s Home

“I get to meet a fairy, can you believe it, Butler?” asked a small, eager-faced child.

“I get to intimidate a fairy, can you believe it, Artemis?” asked the equally excited man next to him.

Artemis once heard the phrase “If it’s on the internet it must be true.” The next day he found a website on fairies. And look! It was true! Now he’s got to find one of those tall faceless people in the woods, or visit that government facility where they keep the supernatural weed. After all, he found out about them on the internet, so they must be real.

He entered the home of the pixie.

Of course, the pixie was surprised to see a child and a behemoth in its home, both wearing shades. She, after all, was not damaged.

She was more surprised when the child exclaimed to her, “Hello, magical creature! Do you mind if I borrow your book?”

“What?! No!”

“I’m going to give it back! You know, after I decode it, use its secrets to kidnap a fairy, and ransom it for 2 tons of gold.”

“Now I’m really not going to give it to you. I’m going to have to make you forget I exist.”

“With the Mesmer? Ooh! Do it on Butler first, I wanna see it done.”

She shook her head and tried using the Mesmer on the bigger man, and found that she had failed.

“Those are cool glasses huh? Reflective and everything.” The child said, while smiling.

“I’m still not giving the book to you. You can’t make me.”

The child seemed genuinely disappointed, then brightened. “Well, can I at least examine you?”

“What? Examine?”

“Yeah! I’ve wanted to see one of you for a while; can I just hang here and look at you?”

She sighed, since she couldn’t get the boy to leave, maybe he would eventually do so on his own. “Sure.”

“Good!” The boy beamed and looked at the taller man. “Butler, I want to look at her skeletal system first. Please?”

Butler cackled and brought out a knife. “Gladly, Master Artemis.”

Her heart skipped a beat. “Fine! Take the book! Don’t torture me!”

With this, she took the book out of a drawer and threw it at Artemis.

The boy seemed confused. “Torture? All I wanted to do was-“

“You’re a monster, mudboy, you know that?!”

The boy almost cried “I- I’ll have you know I’m a very nice criminal mastermind, thank you!”

“Just LEAVE. MY. HOUSE.”

“Okay, thank you!”

And that was the last she saw of that intriguing boy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Outside the Pixie’s Home

“Master Artemis?” asked Butler

“Yes?”

“We should hurry up and run.”

“Why?”

“Remember those explosives we got in Shanghai?”

“You didn’t…”

“She- She called you a monster, I couldn’t let that stand!”

“How much?”

“Well…”

“How much?!”

“Only 100 pounds…”

Artemis and Butler made a break for it, while the home behind them went up in a mushroom cloud.

“Honestly, Butler! 27 times is enough, isn’t it?”
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Re: A Child Most Fowl

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Jan 23, 2015 12:38 am

Chapter 6
The Short One
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Artemis Fowl? Great, not another one..." Complained Foaly, when the Commander returned.

"What?" asked the Commander

"Oh, the Fowl family has a history of this sort of thing. But we're probably never going to bring this up in front of Artemis for years, and not mention it from this point on in the abduction, despite it's relevance to the situation at hand."

"Foaly, why are you-"

"Oh, Fate's telling me to stop pointing out plotholes now."

"I really hate you sometimes."

"I really hate you all of the time. Feeling's mutual."

"Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before. Thousands of times, actually. Anyways, I'm going to send a retrieval squad out to wherever this kid lives and steal his hostage from under his nose. Start the timestop."

"Not going to work, we've still got seven more books to parody after this one."

"Just stop your conspiracy-spouting and do it!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Holly was bored out of her mind. She almost wished that her wannabe lover would come back to talk to her. Almost.

When she finally decided she would try to sleep, Juliet Butler walked in. Actually, more like leaped in.

"Hello, faaaaaaairy!" she said, looking far too excited, with a smile as wide as a Cheshire Cat

"Oh Frond, what fresh hell is this..."

"You're a looot different than the fairies I grew up with! Like, you don't make bell noises when you talk-"

"Bell noises? What?"

"Yeah, and I've never seen you glow! AND you don't have wings! Well, real ones."

"You'll find we're a lot-"

"Ooh! Can you make pixie dust for me?! pleeeeease?! I want to fly through the sky!"

"I'm not even a pixie! I'm an elf!"

"Ooh! an elf! How good are you at making things?"

"... What?"

"You know, because elves make toys that go aaaall around the world!"

"You don't actually believe that, do you?! I am a member of LEPRecon and will not be disres-"

"A leprechaun? Where's your pot of gold? You could just give that to Artemis, and he'd totally let you go!"

"Stop interrupt-"

"You're not wearing enough green! I could get some for you! They'd have to be, like, children's clothes, but I can!"

"Oh, no. That really won't be necessary. I'm fine."

"Nonsense! Show pride in your race, girl! I'll get the brightest, happiest green clothing I can find. I'd have to knock you out before putting it on you, though. Wouldn't want you escaping. You understand, right? Yeah, you understand."

And with that, Juliet bounded off despite Holly's protests. Holly sighed.

"Why don't they just kill me now?!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As Juliet ran down the hallways, she was stopped by her brother.

"Wait. There's fairies to beat up outside."

Juliet stared blankly at the empty yard.

"There's like, no one there!" She said, as if it were the greatest thing in the world and not as if it were immediately obvious.

"To you, perhaps. To me, with this tech from the fairy's helmet Artemis took, I see..."

He squinted. he was wearing what looked like a visor, but far too small.

"Ten fairies, all armed with...:"

He made a small noise of pleasant surprise and his eyes widened.

"Water guns? Now this will be fun!"
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Re: A Child Most Fowl

Postby jkdnp » Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:34 am

This is so great!
I simply cannot believe how good you are at writing. Wow. And it's SO funny, thanks for updating :shiny:
You pulled off the concept BEAUTIFULLY. Honestly, I couldn't change a thing.
Great job!
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Re: A Child Most Fowl

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:38 am

Really appreciate it!

Yeah, making this is fun, and I try to make my best every time I type it up. I've scrapped an entire chapter once because I didn't feel it was good enough. I'm going to try to make it consistently.
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Re: A Child Most Fowl

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Jan 23, 2015 10:57 pm

Chapter 7
Terms and Negotiations
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Who was at the head of that retrieval squad?” demanded the Commander.

“Kelp, but you know it wasn’t his fault that it failed, right?” asked Foaly, tired.

“Nonsense! When things go wrong, you always blame the person in charge!”

“Aren’t you in charge?”

“…Except when it’s me!”

Foaly sighed. “What is your logic behind that?”

The Commander beamed. “Because I am the Commander, and anything I say goes! What a wonderfully corrupt system this city has!”

“That’s not exactly true, you know. This city has a council-“

“Please, they’re afraid of me! It’s amazing what blackmail can accomplish!”

Foaly’s eyes widened. “You blackmailed the council?”

Commander Root’s face grew deadly serious. “You didn’t hear that. Especially if you don’t want everyone to know about your one-night stand with Opal Koboi.”

Foaly looked away and cleared his throat. “Um, right. Sh-shouldn’t you be negotiating with the kidnapper?”

“Ooh. I’d love to talk to the kid! I need to thank him for that excellent explosion earlier.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Artemis and Commander Root sat across from each other at a large table in Fowl Manor.

“You know,“ the Commander said, “As much as I admire your bodyguard’s ferocity, the ease in which he took out that retrieval squad really makes me mad.”

“Now you know not to try anything so foolish ever again.” Responded Artemis.

Ignoring this statement, and probably not even hearing it in the first place, the Commander rambled on.

“I mean, now people are going to ask me annoying questions like ‘Why can’t your retrieval squads take out a single mudman?’, ‘Why do you give your squads such poor equipment?’, and ‘How in Fronds name are you still Commander when you’re running this force into the ground?’.”

He crossed his hands and deeply sighed, looking a bit worn. “It’s always a hassle.”

Artemis, who didn’t really care, responded with “Perhaps if you gave your squad members weapons that could do more damage than mild annoyance and a cold wet feeling, they may have succeeded.”

“Annoyance can be an effective weapon!”

“Do you know what happed to the last man who annoyed Butler?”
“What happened?”

“He lost an arm. He’ll never say the words ‘I’m not touching you’ ever again. I think he learned that lesson.”

“Huh. Even I think that’s a bit much.”

“I have to reel him in a lot. So, about Holly.”

“Oh, right. Almost forgot why I was here.”

“I want a metric ton of gold for her return. I trust that you’ll-“

“Half,”

“Excuse me?”

“Half a ton. No more.”

“We- We’re talking about the life of one of your officers here!”

“Ah. You’re right. I’ll give you a quarter of a ton. But only because, as you recall, she still owes me money.”

Artemis was stunned into silence. The Commander waited expectantly for a response to his proposal, a salesman’s smile on his face.

After a while, Artemis shook his head and responded with “Ninety percent.”

“Seventy-five.”

“Eighty. Final offer.”

The Commander beamed “You, kid, have a deal. I hope you know, though, that we’re just going to bio-bomb the place when we get her out.”

“I’m confused. If you think that’ll work, than why did you make me lower the ransom?”

“I’m cheap. Not ashamed to admit that.”

“You’re not even going to ask what I meant by ‘if you think that’ll work’?”

“Nope!” And the commander got up and walked towards the door.

Frustrated, Artemis shouted “I know how to escape the timestop!” as soon as the Commander reached the door.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Commander waltzed out of the mansion, pleased with himself.

Foaly’s voice came in from the other side of his communicator. “Do you believe him?”

“”Believe him on what?” The Commander responded

“That he can escape the timestop, of course!”

“Oh, that. I don’t care.”

“But if he can, then we have to think of another way to get Holly out!”

“You’re the genius, you’ll think of something. Right?”

Then the Commander switched off his communicator and left Foaly steaming back at HQ.
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Re: A Child Most Fowl

Postby jkdnp » Fri Jan 23, 2015 11:54 pm

Another success! Great job :laughing:
"In a world of locked rooms,
the man with the key is king,
and honey, you should see me in a crown."
~Jim Moriarty


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