The Confidential Parody Project

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Oct 09, 2015 4:17 pm

If I go by schedule, Draco, Quirrell and by extension Voldemort, Hermione, and Ron all appear for the first time in Chapter 3, and Snape for the first time in Chapter 4.

Chapter 2
You’ve Got Mail!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dursley’s Home

One day, right before his birthday, Tornado got a letter addressed to him in the mail. He had never gotten a letter before, in almost 11 years. When he brought it inside, his uncle immediately snatched it away.

“Nobody wants to write to you, boy!” Vernon sneered viciously, as he took it out of Tornado’s hand.

“Then what’s that you’re holding?” He responded.

His uncle was confused. “It’s… a letter, obviously.”

“To me.”

“Yes…”

“So someone wants to write to me.”

“Nobody wants to write to you!”

“But there’s a letter addressed to me right there.”

“Stop it! Can’t you see I’m trying to be needlessly cruel here? It’s one of the few things that give me satisfaction, and I can’t get that satisfaction if the person I’m tormenting is unfazed!”

“Wow. That’s a sad existence.”

Vernon stammered a bit at the blunt truth of this, and ingeniously responded with “Oh yeah? Well, nobody writes to you!” as if he were a broken record.

“The person who wrote that letter would disagree.”

In rage, Vernon ripped the letter into shreds. “There is no letter! Nobody wants to wri-“

While he was yelling this, two letters popped out of the front door mail slot.

Tornado tilted his head, and added a sweet tone to his voice. “You were saying, uncle?”

Vernon got out a lighter and burnt the two new letters. “No letters! Nobody wants-“

A loud rushing noice occurred, and four letters flew out of the fireplace. In rage, Vernon lit the fireplace, and threw the new letters in. Eight more flew in from the air vents.

“Seems like this ‘nobody’ person really likes me.” Tornado mused, as he watched his uncle go wild destroying sixteen, then thirty-two, then sixty-four letters and so on, popping out from more and more ridiculous places.

The oven beeped, and letters flew out. The refrigerator fell over from the sheer force of the letters that propelled out of it. Dudley screamed as he ran out of the bathroom, and started raving that the toilet had a message for Tornado, that it really wanted him to read.

Vernon started to look a bit like he was in one of those old Godzilla movies. Whenever letters came out from a new object, he would run over to it, roaring, and demolish it the best he could.

Dudley looked at his father in terror, who was now wielding a sledgehammer and smashing the cabinets, which were opening on their own and spouting letters.

“Daddy’s gone mad, hasn’t he?” he asked Tornado.

“Not the least of my problems.” Tornado said coolly, as he went to walk outside.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

Tornado looked around the house, it had gotten to the point where the letters themselves were releasing more letters that in turn released more letters that in turn released more letters.

“Just preparing myself for the inevitable end” He answered, as he ran faster to the front door.

After a half hour of listen listening to his to his uncle’s now inhuman screaming in the front driveway, Tornado noticed that the front door was vibrating on its hinges. He then looked up at the windows, and saw that pressed against them were thousands of letters, and they were also shaking from the pressure.

Smiling, he leaned back and watched as all of the doors and windows of 4 Privet Drive exploded, due to the force of millions of letters, all addressed to him. Today was a good day.

_____________________________
Hut in the Ocean

Tornado’s uncle never really recovered. The first thing he said when he crawled out of the massive pile of letters, a full hour later, was barely legible, but sounded something like this.

“hehehehe… It’s all the postmen I tell you! The postmen! I hope all the dogs in the world go to war with the postmen! You know which side I’ll be on! I’ll be on all fours and chasing cars in no time! No cat in the world will be safe from me! All my furry brethren will rid the world of these menaces! No mail will ever appear on the planet again! No more letterbombs blowing up my house! Nobody writes to Tornado! Come on, family, we’re moving.”

Petunia was stunned by this statement, but only chose to address the part that made the most sense. “Moving? Where?”

“Where?” Vernon responded, with a crazy gleam in his eye. “Ahahahaha… Hahahaha… Hahahahaha!

He burst into an insane laughter for a minute, and while he was laughing, Petunia and Dudley looked mortified, while Tornado just impatiently waited for him to get on with it.

“We… We’re going to a rock! A rock in the middle of the ocean! Let’s see the postmen get there! By the time we get back, my canine comrades will have taken care of them all! E-mail forever! Down with paper! E-mail forever! Down with Paper!”

Still chanting this, he marched into the car. Tornado casually got into the back seat, and Petunia and Dudley cautiously followed.

And that’s how Tornado ended up in a hovel in the middle of the ocean, sitting in the middle of the floor and staring at a wall on his birthday.

“Isn’t this nice? No mail! Absolutely no mail!” His uncle asked, in an unnaturally high pitch.

Petunia and Dudley were too scared to respond to the unhinged man, and thus flinched when Tornado did so.

“At the house, mail was coming out of the slots in the toaster. I wouldn’t be surprised if it reached us here.”

“No! Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare! They’ll hear you! They’ll come!”

“In fact,” Tornado continued, “If it came right now, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

And just like that, a knock on the door, and a gruff male voice. “Mail! Mail, for Tornado Potter!”

Vernon turned white, faintly said, “Nobody writes to Tornado.” And hit the ground with a loud thud.

Tornado opened the door and let the man in.

“Thank you.” The man said. “I should introduce myself. I’m Rubeus Hagrid from the AFC Academy of Wiitchcraft and Wizardry”

“Hi.” Tornado said, looking blankly up at the man.

Hagrid looked around the room, and saw Vernon on the floor and Petunia and Dudley hiding under a table. “What happened to him?” he asked, pointing to Vernon.

“He thought you were the postman.”

Confused, Hagrid responded with “Okay?”

“Okay. Are you going to give me my letter?”

“Oh! You’re Tornado! Of course!” He looked him up and down, and smiled. “You look so much like your father, except you have your mother’s eyes.”

“Cool. My letter?”

Hagrid frowned a little, then shook it off, and gave it to him.

Tornado read it, then tossed it. “So, I’m a wizard, then?”

“You’re not even surprised?”

“That doesn’t happen often. You get desensitized when your parents die in a car crash.”

“Your parents didn’t die in a car crash! They were killed by a dark wizard, the most feared one in recent memory!”

“Oh, well, that sucks even more.”

Hagrid was struck speechless.

“Anyways, you think I can go with you to get my school supplies? I don’t quite like these people, and they don’t like magic.”

Hagrid just shook his head and accepted Tornado’s personality. “Sure, let’s get out of this hut.”

Hagrid walked out of the hut, Harry following, and they both got on a motorbike and flew away.
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Athena32 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 11:57 pm

Fatebringer the 2nd wrote:
Tornado read it, then tossed it. “So, I’m a wizard, then?”

“You’re not even surprised?”

“That doesn’t happen often. You get desensitized when your parents die in a car crash.”

“Your parents didn’t die in a car crash! They were killed by a dark wizard, the most feared one in recent memory!”

“Oh, well, that sucks even more.”


This part had me laughing SO hard!!!! I wish J.K. Rowling had written Harry as a cynical kid who was "desensitized".

I can't get "Oh, well, that sucks even more" out of my head!

Wonderful job. I am looking forward to the Irish drinking songs in the next chapter.
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Sun Oct 11, 2015 7:00 am

XD!!!! (I made a mistake, I should have been Uncle Vernon. The crazy ones always have the most fun. Down with paper! Email forever! That's so going to be my catch phrase from now on.) I very much enjoyed the godzilla imagery. ;9 But my favorite part was the 'AFC Academy of witchcraft and wizardry,' I laughed out loud at that. XD (I'm interested to see what *that* will look like...)

Looking forward to more. :3
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Tue Oct 13, 2015 2:38 pm

God, this took forever. This is the longest chapter I've ever written. I'm going to go edit the characters now, on the first page. Read Quirrells Entry, at least. You'll need it to understand how his character becomes in later chapters

Chapter 3
The Cast Arrives
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Diagon Alley

On the day of Tornado’s birthday, Hagrid did indeed help Tornado get his school supplies. After walking through London for a while, Tornado and Hagrid were stood at the end of an alleyway, which ended with a dead end and a brick wall. Hagrid then stopped and looked at Tornado, and explained that this was the entrance to Diagon Alley.

“Now, before we go in, there’s a few things you should know so you’re not confused or taken aback at points.”

Tornado stared blankly at Hagrid, wondering if he was serious.

“Ah. Right, you never get surprised. I forgot. I should probably tell you anyways, though. So, you might be recognized, and people might go up to you. That’s because you’re famous.”

“Why?”

“Remember when I told you that a famous dark wizard killed your parents? Well, his name was…”

And he suddenly stopped and hesitated.

“Was?…”

“Sorry, it’s not a name that’s said often. It’s a taboo. I’ll say it once, but don’t make me do it again, okay?”

“Whatever. What was the name?”

“It was…” Hagrid looked around anxiously and whispered. “Lord Fatebringer.”

“That’s a stupid name. Sounds like a character ripped straight from a fan-fiction.”

“A what?”

“It’s a muggle thing. Point is, it sounds ridiculous. Why are people afraid of that name?”

“The man killed thousands of people! His name is synonymous with death!”

“A name that sounds like a crappy forum username is synonymous with death?”

Hagrid decided to ditch this argument. “Anyway, You-Know-Who-“

“You mean, ‘Fatebringer?’”

Hagrid flinched. “Him. After he killed your parents, he tried to kill you, but his curse bounced back and hit himself, giving you that lightning bolt scar you have.”

“Wow. He must have been terrible at magic.”

“He was one of the most feared wizards in history!”

“Still doesn’t change the fact that he was terrible at magic. Bested by a baby.”

“The point I’m trying to make” Hagrid said, again moving on, “Is that your scar has become legend, and you have become known as the ‘Boy Who Lived,’ the baby who survived and ended He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

Tornado rolled his eyes. “Why would you add three syllables to the name? You’re making it more ridiculous than it already is.”

Instead of answering, Hagrid tapped an umbrella against the wall at the end of the alley, and it opened like a door.

“Let’s just get your things, okay? This conversation is tiring me out and making my brain hurt a little.”

_____________________________
Madame Malkins

The first stop in getting Tornado’s things (after receiving a massive amount of money from his vault in Gringotts) was getting his robes. He was indeed stared at by nearly everyone he passed on the way there, and once he entered the store, he was greeted by two people in quick succession and was forced into conversations with them.

The first was a man that looked like what would happen if an Arabian merchant got drunk and stumbled through the streets of 90’s American suburbia until he fell into a bag of clothes trashed by an emo teenager. Ridiculous image, yes, but the most correct one possible.

Hagrid winced as the man walked closer to them. “That man is going to be your Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Tornado. He had a run-in with some… new age vampires. He was never the same afterwards.”

“Hello.” The man said, in a low tone, that he probably thought sounded dark in mysterious, but in actuality made him sound either constipated or in pain. “ My name… is Quirinus. Quirinus Dark’ness Dementia Raven Quirrell.”

Tornado mumbled under his breath, “And I thought the name Lord Fatebringer sounded like it came straight from a fanfiction.”

Tornado thought he saw Quirrell’s turban twitch.

“”It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter. I imagine that the boy who lived must have some interesting stories to tell.”

“I imagine the person who dresses up like a model for a middle-eastern Hot Topic has more interesting stories to tell.”

“My impeccable fashion sense was a gift to me by the vampires. The venom did not convert me, but blessed me with part of their mindset. Also, I am now irresistible to women!”

“Do you sparkle too?”

“No! Wrong vampires! Don’t you dare mention those posers!”

Tornado looked up and down at the man, and his wannabe Goth attire, then considered the meaning of the word ‘poser.’ He shrugged.

Visibly frustrated at Tornado’s mention of ‘poser’ vampires, Quirrell stormed off, and Tornado’s second uninvited visitor came to talk with him, a blonde haired boy with a very huge smile.

“Hello~!” he said, with a sickeningly happy tone. “My name is Trouble Malfoy!”

“Hello.”

“You must be Tornado Potter!”

“Clearly.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you~!”

“Stop being so happy.”

The smile on Trouble’s face faltered a little, then came back in full force. “E- Excuse me?”

“It’s annoying. You’re too happy. Stop being so happy.”

“I- I’m very sorry, sir. I don’t want be a bother. I guess I’ll just go ahead to the orphanage I’m volunteering at. Maybe I’ll stop by a canned food drive on the way. I can tell you want to be left alone.”

“Sorry about that.” Hagrid said. “I don’t quite trust that boy. No one is that perfect. You see how he just casually mentioned volunteering at orphanages? He’s clearly showing off. He’s just trying to come off as a good kid. He probably doesn’t even volunteer at an orphanage. He was probably only talking to you the first place in order to gain even more status and be popular before school starts.”

Tornado considered this, then figured it made sense. He then decided he would not like Trouble Malfoy, no matter what the boy did.

_____________________________
Ollivander’s Wand Shop

The rest of his supplies were gotten without a hitch. He spent the second half of his shopping trip carrying around an owl he named Hedwig, and he got his wand at Ollivander’s last.

“Interesting…” The old man said, when a wand chose him. “Did you know that this wand had a twin th-“

“No.” Tornado interrupted.

“I didn’t even finish!”

“And I know nothing about wands, so I obviously don’t know anything about this one.”

“I guess that makes sense. So, this wa-“

Tornado interrupted once again. “Of course it makes sense. A toddler could figure that out.”

“You know what, forget it. It’s not that important anyways.”

“Okay, goodbye.” Tornado said as he walked out of the store.

_____________________________
King’s Cross

Days later, Tornado entered Kings Cross station with a ticket for the ‘AFC Express.’ The platform was apparently 9 ¾, and when Tornado asked Hagrid about the number, Hagrid said to “just hang around between 9 and 10. Wizards aren’t exactly the most subtle people.”

His uncle Vernon drove him to the station, and deliberately ran over a few mailboxes on the way. He seemed to be grateful that Tornado was leaving, and his parting words were “Make sure no one writes to you!”

Tornado sat in between platforms 9 and 10 and waited. Ten minutes passed until his ears were assaulted by a family of loud red-heads, obnoxiously singing a song about being so drunk that they couldn’t see, and were obviously wizards judging by the robes they were wearing.

They then started to one by one, run straight into a wall, and instead of crashing, they went straight through it.

Tornado walked up to who he assumed was the mother, and asked how the wall worked. Instead of answering, she responded with “Hey! You’re Tornado Potter! I have a son about your age! You should meet him!”

Tornado sighed. Being famous was starting to get annoying. “I said… How does the wall work?”

“Oh! Right! Ask my boy, he’d be happy to tell you. It’s his first year to go on the train!” She pointed to one of her kids, who was at that moment, very enthusiastically screaming the words ‘Hey, wife!’

Tornado sighed again, then walked over to the boy. “How does the wall work?” he asked.

“Hey!” The boy yelled excitedly. “You’re Torna-“

“Yes. I know this already. The wall?”

“Nothing special to it really, you just run through it!” And then he did, and disappeared like the others.

Tornado ran into the wall himself, and indeed ran straight through it. The AFC Express was waiting for him on the other side, as well as the red-headed boy.

“See? Easy. My name’s Athena by the way. Athena Weasley.”

“That’s a girl’s name.” Tornado said bluntly.

Athena responded to this with “Yeah, funny story, see by the time she had me, my mother was sick of having a house full of boys and wanted me to be a daughter, so she named me a girl’s name and refused to change it even when I was born.”

“Why not?”

Athena shifted uncomfortably. “She still treats me like a daughter sometimes, even when my sister Ginny is around, she often does my make-up or braids my hair. One time, when I was 5, she dressed me up in one of her old-“

“I probably don’t want to hear this story. I didn’t really need to hear any of that.”

“Oh. Sorry, I’ve been told that I say too much. I’ll stop if you’d like. Would you like to sing a song instead?”

Remembering the entire family and their drinking song outside, Tornado quickly replied with “God, no.”

Athena’s head drooped, visibly disappointed. “Okay…”

He then walked with his head down the rest of the way to the train. Tornado thought he could hear him quietly humming ‘Call Me Maybe,’ however.

They sat in silence for most of the train ride, until Athena took a rat out of his pocket asking “Do you want to see me turn this rat yellow?”

“Something tells me that if I say no, you’ll do it anyways.”

“I knew you’d want to see it! Now watch, in a few seconds, I’m going to perform a spell, and it’ll change colors.”

This caught the attention of a girl walking by their compartment, who walked in and sat down to watch.

Athena took out a wand, shouted “Rattus Yellico!” and the rat turned… bright blue.

“Well,” said the new arrival. “You were right, it changed colors.”

Athena himself turned bright red. “I- I meant to do that! Anyone could have turned that rat yellow with a spell that’s meant to turn it yellow! I did something truly incredible, and turned it blue!”

“Uh-huh. So, if anyone can do it, then turn it yellow now.”

“No! I refuse! I, uh… I’m giving you guys a chance to change it’s color!”

The girl shook her head at this, and turned to address Tornado for the first time. “Can you believe this guy?”

Tornado considered this turn of events, and replied with “Well, it makes sense to me.”

Athena clung to these words as if they were a lifeboat in the middle of a hurricane. “See?! He believes! It makes perfect sense! Just who do you think you are anyways?!”

“Me? Merv. Merv Simestra Granger.”

“Well, Merv, I’d like to see you perform any magic as incredible as that!”

Merv casually turned the rat red, then yellow, then green, then blue, then purple, then back to normal. She then looked at Athena expectantly.

“That means nothing! I could have done that just as easily!”

Merv opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the train whistle. They had arrived at AFC Academy. Athena took this as an opportunity to bail and quickly rose and ran out the compartment.

“Well, it was nice to meet you, but I’m gonna go now! Bye, see ya later! Don’t follow me!”
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Tue Oct 13, 2015 8:38 pm

Hehe, we got to see a lot of characters this time, yes! (Lol, Malfoy, that is too awesome. Looking forward to seeing how that plays out...XD And it was nice of Hagrid to warn Harry in advance, though I guess it was an effort wasted. XD!) Can't wait for the next installment. :3
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Opal sets into motion her most diabolical scheme yet, to frame Artemis and turn his closest friends against him. Only this time she has a new calculating partner who knows Artemis better than he knows himself. [Post TAC]

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Merv Simestra » Thu Oct 15, 2015 3:10 pm

I'll admit I wasn't sure how this would turn out, but this is going way better than I thought it might. :) Tornadoc's character is hilarious, especially. Malfoy's is an interesting twist, but I think it works really well. I can't wait to read more!
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Fri Oct 16, 2015 7:58 pm

Thank you, guys, for reading this. It really makes me happy that it's working out. Snape Bio complete
You KNOW I had to make the joke at the end, Rocket :) Not apologizing.

Chapter 4
Artemis Fowl’s Candyland
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AFC Academy – Great Hall

Tornado ended up sitting right next to Athena the first time he entered the Great Hall. A lot of children were marveling at the ceiling of the hall, but Tornado was impatiently waiting for Athena to finish his rendition of “Wrecking Ball.”

After he finished, Athena asked, “Hey, are we friends?”

“Only if you promise to never, ever, sing that song again.”

“Well… I can promise not to sing it in front of you…”

“That’s good enough. Friends.”

Athena started to, a little more quietly, sing “The Orange and the Green” instead. Tornado facepalmed, but put up with it for a few minutes before the whole room went quiet as an old man walked out in the front of the hall.

“Hello, students, and welcome to AFC, the world’s #1 magical school. I’m Professor FadingLight, your headmaster, and today, you will be sorted into your houses.”

He paused for a second to take out an old hat.

“Now, the four houses names have changed this year, yet again. Former headmaster Matt changed them a few decade ago to ‘The Grounds,’ ‘Fowl Manor,’ ‘Haven,’ and ‘Forum,’ but I didn’t quite like those names. This year, I finally changed them to names that I know everyone will love. They will now be known as ‘Mars,’ ‘Hersheys,’ ‘Nestle’ and ‘Haribo.’”

Merv, at the other end of the table, was staring at Professor Fadinglight with disbelief.

“Now,” FadingLight continued, “Mars house stresses courage, chivalry, and determination. A student in Mars house would give all the safe-looking Bertie Botts he had to a hungry lady, be brave enough to eat one of the ones he kept, and have enough drive to finish the others when that one ends up being terrible .”

Merv was now debating whether or not the man was serious.

“Hersheys house stresses cunning, resourcefulness, and ambition. Pure-bloods are more likely to be in this house, because, as Hersheys stresses its 100% real milk chocolate, the creator of this house stressed the importance of blood purity.”

Merv was done wondering if this man was serious and started to wonder how it was possible that he was serious.

“Nestle stresses intelligence and wisdom, Nestle students, oddly would choose Hersheys brand chocolate over Nestle brand, as that would be the smartest choice.”

Merv stopped wondering how he was serious, and started wondering if he was sane.

“Haribo students value friendship, honesty and loyalty. Haribo students would never steal each others candies, and would always share it. That’s a beautiful quality to have in a friend. I always like a person I can trust around my candy hoard.”

Merv, now certain the man was not all there, was now perplexed by the fact that everyone else took him completely seriously, as if he said nothing strange at all.

“Some of you are probably wondering what I’m doing holding an old hat. Well, this used to be the Sorting Hat, but last year some prankster decided it would be a good idea to cast a spell on it. Now it calls itself the ‘Moderator Hat’ and treats everyone as if they were threads on a forum that need to be moved. Why they thought it was a good idea is beyond me.”

Merv felt as if someone had stolen something that had belonged to her for some reason.

Back at the other side of the table, Tornado became hungry from all the talk of candy. Trouble Malfoy was the first student that he knew to be called.

“Interesting… The hat said “you’ve put on such a façade of pleasantries and perfection that it’s ingrained in your mind. Such cunning certainly deserves to be on the Hersheys forum!”

“B- But I’m not putting on a façade at all! I swear!”

“Oh, please, no thread is as perfect as you. Eventually, there’s always a flamer, a troll, a person going off topic, or a person who just doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and many times they die out early. You’ve done the impossible and had none of this happen. Hersheys it is.”

As Trouble was ushered off stage, he started blabbering in frustration. “Flamers?! Trolls?! Wait! I don’t understand!”

Tornado, for reasons he didn’t quite understand, vowed not to be on the same house as Trouble.

As Tornado waited for his name to be called, he noted that Merv and Athena both went to Mars house and one student had their thread “locked” as “there already was another thread with the same topic.” She was then quickly escorted out of the building.

When Tornado was called, the whole hall went silent to look at him. He thought over and over. “Not Hersheys, not Hersheys.”

“Sorry, kid.” Said the hat, “But that seems to be the only forum you fit in. You don’t really desire to learn enough to go on Nestle, and you’re sure as hell not friendly enough to go on Haribo.”

“What about Mars? I can be brave and determined.”

“And chivalrous?”

“Tell you what, if you put me into Mars, I’ll be chivalrous once in a while.”

“You promise?”

“Promise.”

“Alright, thread moved to Mars. Don’t make me regret this.”

And the entire Mars table cheered.

_____________________________
Potions

Tornado’s first class in AFC Academy was potions, with one ‘Rocket Axxonu.’ As Tornado sat down next to Athena, Athena whispered to him. “Don’t ask him any questions. Trust me. My brothers have told me horror stories.”

As soon as Professor Axxonu reached the podium at the end of the class, the hand of Trouble shot up.

“You, in the front row. What?” Asked Axxonu.

“Professor, why did you decide to teach this class? What makes it so interesting?”

Half the class groaned. It appeared that they had been given the same warning as Tornado. Tornado felt as if he was just given another reason to hate Trouble Malfoy. Tornado looked at Athena, and found him zoned out and humming a tune Tornado assumed must be another drinking song.

The professor’s face lit up. “See, I always consider this an interesting topic for a number of reasons. I was going to go on this awfully dramatic speech about bottling fame and putting a stopper on death, but let’s be honest, that’s just drama for drama’s sake, so let me just list out the many reasons that I enjoy this subject one by one and discuss each in great detail.”

Tornado felt as if he knew what Athena’s horror stories were now. He began to zone out too.

“1.” Axxonu continued. “The challenge. This isn’t just a class in which all you need to do is to wave your wands around and say a few words. Oh, no, in Potions you need to practice a large number of skills that aren’t even required for class such as Charms, or Defense Against the Dark Arts. Skills such as measurement or moderation, or a certain degree of patience or timing. When you perform a basic spell to turn a rat into a goblet, you get little satisfaction after the first time it is achieved, since the task is a relatively simple one. However, brewing a Polyjuice Potion is a long, hard, and strenuous task, no matter how many times you’ve done it before. This is the kind of distinction that made an impression on me, yet meant nothing to the talentless hacks like Mr. Potter’s father. The work was truly worth-“

Tornado snapped back into reality and blinked. “Wait, what?”

“Of course,” Axxonu said, “None of this means anything if you don’t. Pay. Attention! Mr. Potter! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?”

“A sleeping potion?”

“As I thought. You don’t kn- Wait, how do you know that?!“

Tornado shrugged.

“Fine, let’s try again. Where would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?”

“The stomach of a goat?”

“Aha! Incorr- Wait, that’s right. Why is that right?!”

“I don’t know, sir. I’m just that good.”

Axxonu became furious. “What is the difference between Monkswood and Wolfbane?!”

“They are the same.”

“How? How?!”

“I know a trick question when I hear one.”

“No, you’re just cheating. I know it. 50 points from Mars.”

This woke up Athena from his trance. “50!”

“Yes, 50, Mr. Weasley, 55 for talking back.”

“But I didn’t talk back, sir! I was just surprised!”


“You certainly talked back now, didn’t you? 60 it is! 60 points from Mars.”

Everyone fell silent.

“Good,” said Axxonu, with a wry smile. “Now where was I? Ah. Yes, why I teach Potions.”

Everyone groaned again as Axxonu explained why he taught potions, in as many words as possible. Malfoy was instantly public enemy #1 for making the man start his monologue
Right now's avatar-Clownpiece

(Clownpiece will make America great again, by the way.)

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Rocket Axxonu
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Sat Oct 17, 2015 7:09 am

HAHA “let me just list out the many reasons that I enjoy this subject one by one and discuss each in great detail.” He finally figured out how to really torture students. (And the real reason I write long posts finally comes out. >;9) Thanks, Trubs, keep the questions coming. <3 50 points to Hersheys!

Oh gosh, I laughed so hard at the Mars/Hersheys/Nestle/Haribo bit...And Hershey's and the 100% milk chocolate. XD!! I love the extended explanation for each one, they made SO MUCH SENSE. (My favorite was that those in Nestle house would choose Hershey's chocolate, though. I couldn't help but think that...that's kind of true. XD)

Waiting for more. :9
“After all, absolutely no one can help but suspect a criminal, liar, and manipulator of committing crimes, lying, and manipulating. And of course, no one is more aware of that simple fact than Artemis Fowl.”

Opal sets into motion her most diabolical scheme yet, to frame Artemis and turn his closest friends against him. Only this time she has a new calculating partner who knows Artemis better than he knows himself. [Post TAC]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8336552/1/Noble-Heart ...Shameless self-advertising, guys! C;

(And if you're really bored: http://axxonu.deviantart.com/gallery/28912232/Artemis-Fowl AF fanart. ;J)

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Athena32 » Sat Oct 17, 2015 8:23 pm

Fatebringer the 2nd wrote:Tornado ended up sitting right next to Athena the first time he entered the Great Hall. A lot of children were marveling at the ceiling of the hall, but Tornado was impatiently waiting for Athena to finish his rendition of “Wrecking Ball.”

After he finished, Athena asked, “Hey, are we friends?”

“Only if you promise to never, ever, sing that song again.”

“Well… I can promise not to sing it in front of you…”

“That’s good enough. Friends.”

Athena started to, a little more quietly, sing “The Orange and the Green”.


I love it. Wrecking Ball? The first on the list of terrible pop songs. You should do "Party In The USA" next, or maybe "Sexy and I Know It".

Also, the sorting hat being a moderator was hilarious. Wow.

Rocket explaining things in the most verbose way possible was... sadly and amazingly true. (You know we love your long posts, Rocket :laughing: )
Also, good job on updating frequently.
I'm fine, seeing as you asked.-Foaly
Gnommish… Gnommish… What blasted translation system doesn’t have Gnommish?

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Merv Simestra » Sun Oct 18, 2015 3:23 am

All of the moderator jokes. All of them. They were fantastic. Especially the moderator hat. I still remember when I used that reference (man, now I feel old... and as if someone did indeed steal something of mine). *sneaky eyes*

Anyways, this was brilliant and beautiful. I command thee to continue!
"On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God."
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble."


Procrastinator and Obsessive are my middle names.

Spoiler:
Voted Eternity Awards 2013 winner of...
Favorite Moderator/Administrator
Best Journal Writer
The Sensible One
Most Likely to Run for President
Most Devoted to AFC
and Always in the Know.
Again with the president thing.

Shameless plug: visit my website!.

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby FadingLight » Thu Oct 22, 2015 2:16 am

Wow I missed so many chapters. Well, now I'm caught up. This is awesome. I love all the connections and things to the forums (the Sorting Hat calling students "threads", old headmaster Matt, etc.).

Also, still hilarious.
I said you were smart, Mud Boy. I was wrong; are exceptional.—Qwan
Which do you think seems more suspicious? An alien-looking craft hovering in the yard of a country home, or a floating doorway with a centaur standing in it?—Domovoi Butler
We can only change the future, not the past or present.—Artemis Fowl II
I'm trying to care, Artemis. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over.—Holly Short

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Fatebringer the 2nd » Tue Dec 08, 2015 10:33 pm

I'm alive. I survived. I had a busy month last month, apologies. Next chapter tommorow...
Right now's avatar-Clownpiece

(Clownpiece will make America great again, by the way.)

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Rocket Axxonu
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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby Rocket Axxonu » Sat Dec 12, 2015 6:29 am

Great!! (Although I guess it's been a few more days, so I'm guessing you got busy again. X3 Been very little activity here on the forum, I'm guessing that's because everyone's in school now...and coming up on the holidays, things are bound to be busy too. X3) Anyway, I'll be looking forward to the next installment, whenever you get the chance. :J
“After all, absolutely no one can help but suspect a criminal, liar, and manipulator of committing crimes, lying, and manipulating. And of course, no one is more aware of that simple fact than Artemis Fowl.”

Opal sets into motion her most diabolical scheme yet, to frame Artemis and turn his closest friends against him. Only this time she has a new calculating partner who knows Artemis better than he knows himself. [Post TAC]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8336552/1/Noble-Heart ...Shameless self-advertising, guys! C;

(And if you're really bored: http://axxonu.deviantart.com/gallery/28912232/Artemis-Fowl AF fanart. ;J)

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby FadingLight » Sat Dec 12, 2015 10:09 pm

I almost forgot about this forum… okay that sounded less insensitive in my head, but yeah.

I'm looking forward to the new chapter! And to laughing and laughing and having my parents look at me like I'm crazy.
I said you were smart, Mud Boy. I was wrong; are exceptional.—Qwan
Which do you think seems more suspicious? An alien-looking craft hovering in the yard of a country home, or a floating doorway with a centaur standing in it?—Domovoi Butler
We can only change the future, not the past or present.—Artemis Fowl II
I'm trying to care, Artemis. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over.—Holly Short

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Re: The Confidential Parody Project

Postby tornadocondoc » Thu Dec 17, 2015 2:45 am

I'm Tornado Freakin' Potter.

I just found this and I'm giggling mad reading it. Oh my googies. Brilliant. XD
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LOOK I MADE A SIGNATURE GO ME


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