My creation... It lives... IT LIVES!
Anyways, beforehand, about characters. Harry will be tornadocondoc. Draco will be Troublelover16, I think it's an appropriate fit. I've also further evolved the characters personalities from the basic descriptions given to make them even more of a parody. I will edit the first post of the thread to be a full character guide to them after they first appear in the fic.
Something Wrong… Yet Correct
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Albus FadingLight was very perplexed as to how he was to feel at this very moment.
For one thing, James and Lily Potter were dead, yet at the same time, their death did result in the riddance of one of the most evil people of their time. It was a very good result at the cost of a very bad one. It was kind of like if he permanently gave up Chocolate Frogs for a lifetime supply of Bertie Botts.
Then again… that might not be the best comparison. Chocolate Frogs were good every time, while FadingLight was sure that he got an earthworm flavored Bertie Bott at one point. Perhaps a better candy would be Peppermint Toads? He quite liked Peppermint Toads.
He then heard a earshattering, roaring noise and looked up to the sky. Of course, it was Hagrid and his ungodly loud motorbike, bringing with him the Potter child.
“You do realize that we don’t want to attract the attention of muggles, Hagrid? A half-giant carrying a baby on a motorbike that flies isn’t that discreet.”
Hagrid scoffed at him. “Neither is a bunch of students running straight through a wall in a train station. Muggles notice nothing.”
“No, no, no. There is a difference! Think of it like this. Imagine that there is a rather tantalizing chocolate bar-“
Hagrid groans. “Forget I said anything. Next time I carry an orphan baby to a Muggle neighborhood, I’ll just walk for miles on end.”
FadingLight smiled, genuinely pleased. “Good! Although that would be a bit much. Now let’s go give the boy to his family, yes?”
Hagrid just considered this to be normal, and moved on. You have to do these things with Professor FadingLight sometimes. “I’ve seen the family before. Are you sure this is the right place for him? The man and woman are both downright nasty, and their boy is a brat! Is there anywhere else we can take him?”
“I’ve seen to that. They’ll treat the boy fine.” FadingLight said, as he pulled out a surprisingly large number of Cauldron Cakes from his cloak. “I’m going to give them these.”
“I… Don’t follow.”
“You don’t? Really? Everyone loves Cauldron Cakes!”
“I… Still don’t follow.”
“Every time they see the boy, they’ll think of the cauldron cakes, and consider him a good thing! Thus they will treat him perfectly!”
“You know that not everyone loves sweets that much, right?”
“Nonsense, why wouldn’t they love sugar?”
“Nope. End of argument. Let’s drop off the kid, yes?”
Vernon Dursley, as well as Dudley Dursley, did indeed eat the cakes. However, of course, it did not give them good will towards little Tornado Potter.
Instead, the boy grew up in conditions that would make a CPS worker break down and go into an axe-murdering rampage. He basically lived in a closet. There was no evidence of his existence throughout the house. He was treated as a blight, a servant, not even allowed to ask questions.
It had a toll on his personality, you could say.
Today was the birthday of his cousin. Of course, Tornado was expected to do everything since Dudley was the perfect child and Tornado was for some reason the spawn of Satan.
Maybe he’d poison the bacon he was being forced to cook. That’d be nice.
At least he got to go to the zoo this time. Hooray? He guessed that was a good thing. He knew all he could look forward to was Dudley complaining about how all the animals are boring.
An hour later, after Dudley ate his breakfast and complained about how terribly Tornado cooked it repeatedly, (Tornado increasingly regretted not poisoning the bacon every time) the Dursleys piled into the car with Tornado.
As predicted, Dudley found the animals boring after about 10 minutes of looking at them, and started to scream that they should all perform for him, since it was his birthday. His Aunt Petunia tried to calm him down by bribing him with even more presents. Tornado, with a migraine starting, decided to ditch the Dursleys before he snapped and punched Dudley in the jaw.
He wandered around the zoo a bit, until he heard a soft and raspy “Hey.”
He turned, and found it came from the snake in enclosure that he had just passed. He walked up to it and answered, “Hey.”
The snake slithered closer to him and turned its head to the right. “I just talked to you.”
“Clearly.” Tornado answered.
“And… You just accept this.”
“Do you actually have anything to say, or do you just state the obvious?”
“Do you not find anything strange about the fact that a snake is talking to you?”
“Yes! In case you don’t know, snakes don’t talk!”
“But you’re talking.”
“Well, yes, I am. But-“
“So snakes talk. Is there a reason you’re talking to me or not? I can just leave.”
The snake paused for a second to hit its head against the wall of its containment in frustration. Please take a moment to imagine that happening.
The snake, a cold-blooded creature, somehow managed to blush. “Well, being cooped up all alone in this habitat, I don’t get to talk with people much, clearly. I get lonely. Do you want to be my friend?”
“Thank yo- Wait, why?!”
“You’re a snake, I probably already look stupid enough talking to you through the glass. I bet no one else can hear you, and I look like the idiot talking to himself.”
And tornado turned to start walking away.
“Wait!” exclaimed the snake, as it pressed itself against the glass. “It’ll be worth it!”
Tornado turned back, interested. “How so?”
“You hate that cousin of yours, right? I hate him too, he came around here earlier and yelled at me for not moving for him.”
The snake waited for an answer, while Tornado waited expectantly for the snake to make some sort of point.
“Look, just bring him over here, make sure he leans in real close. It’ll be worth it. Trust me.”
Tornado debated this, shrugged, and turned to get his cousin. He returned with Dudley a few minutes later.
“You said the snake was moving, Tornado! You lied! Liar! You can’t lie to me on my birthday!”
Tornado grinned widely. “You’ve just got to press against the glass, and it’ll dance for you.”
And so, Dudley, naïve as he was, smashed his face against the glass. As soon as he did so, it disappeared, and he fell in, flat on his face.
Tornado laughed a bit while the snake slithered out and escaped.
“Thanks, man.” The snake said, winking at Tornado. “See you around, yeah?”
The snake smiled… somehow, and quickly escaped the zoo, going in between the feet of panicked tourists.
Tornado looked at his cousin in the habitat, and thought it would be so much better if the glass reappeared, and seemingly by his command, it did. Huh.
Tornado took one last look at the panicking Dudley, chuckled, and quickly ran to the very opposite end of the zoo, to avoid being at the crime scene when his aunt and uncle appeared. Of course, they blamed it all on him anyways.
Right now's avatar-Clownpiece
(Clownpiece will make America great again, by the way.)