^Nah, that was actually pretty funny (if a tad corny)
And these wouldn't really fit any of them (though I did try), but I was trying to find the physcotic answering machine and these popped up. I take no credit.
Hello, this is Mulch. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.
Foaly: (or Root)
(Annoying mission impossible music in background) Good day, People. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Foaly.
Artemis: (Oh c'mon)
(In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music) <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached Artemis dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you.
Beckett and Myles:
Hi!! You've reached Beck's and Myles's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is Sarah (Beckett's girlfriend), Beckett is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>
Mulch: (I'm sure it's his type of humor)
Hi! Mulch's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Lilli: (or some other dumb charater)
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you...
Artemis: (not sure , maybe Butler, but I think he would have more threats)
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
Doodah Day: (Or Mulch or any other crimanal)
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Foaly: (well he is always going on about mind-probing rays)
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
Butler: (he is never gonna get a girl like this...)
(Airplanes and machine guns in background) Hi, I'd come to the phone, but I'm UNDER ATTACK!
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
YESSS! Right at the bottom I found it! (check out Youtube link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxkM3YTWu9s
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask some to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 & 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we kow who you are and we know what you want, just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be diverted to the mothership
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, please figet with the hash key until the beep
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...No one will answer!